Great friendships are something everyone needs, we were created for connection.  Do you sometimes feel like you fall short of the friend you want to be? You’re not alone. As humans, we’re constantly changing and growing, and it’s normal to have times when we don’t quite know how to act around others or engage at a level that we deeply desire. But that doesn’t mean letting yourself fall short of being the best friend you can be. How do you be the friend that you want to have?  Here are five things you can do to have more meaningful friendships.

Be the pursuer. Don’t sit back and let them do all the work.

Friendship is a precious gift.  The gift should flow both ways, we can’t wait for friendship to come our way. It is important for you as a believer of Christ, who desires community, to move towards friendship with others. We are to love others as Christ loved us.  This doesn’t have to be complicated but it does take action.  Take a risk, step out and invite someone for coffee or out to lunch,  make friendship your priority. Be the initiator in friendship and be intentional when you do it.

Trying to make new friends? You can approach friendship through a casual conversation or an event to see if there’s any similarities between you two for friendship potential. In regards to friendship opportunities, don’t wait for fate to bring people into your life but choose them yourself. If we’re looking for friendship then we need to take the first step and send out invitations and go out of our way with intentionality and humility that builds bridges instead of walls or offering gifts that proceed us (Romans 5:1-5). As God’s children let’s pursue friendship and not be afraid to invest in others lives!

Be Intentional. Take time to get to know them and what they value.

When friendship is friendship based on convenience or comfort then friendship will never be more than about how it benefits us. It’s important that friendship is primarily about them instead of you so the friendship can flourish. To know someone is to give yourself time, not just in one conversation but into their lives that builds trust and friendship on an authentic level. The more you get to know people the better your friendship will be for both parties involved. Don’t think of friendship as something rushed because not all friendships are this way!

If we were intentional with God’s gift of friendship, we would cherish each other more than ever before.  When you are with them be present and don’t allow outside things to be a distraction.  Show them they are valuable by fully being in the moment with them.

Be thoughtful. Don’t make the friendship always about you.

Some people go into friendship thinking, “oh they’ll be my new friend!” No friend just becomes your friend because you want them to be. Friendship is about what’s best for both individuals. There are various ways friendship can be reciprocal but friendship isn’t always 50/50 all the time so don’t take friendship so seriously that it becomes competitive or unbalanced where one person has to win or lose. Sometimes friendship is one sided but if it’s mutually beneficial then friendship will change and grow together in different directions. But friendship goes beyond having fun together although that’s usually an important ingredient in friendship; not everything has to revolve around us!

When you know more about them, it is easy to be intentional and to show them how much you care. I have a notes file in my phone for each of my friends. As I continue to get to know them and learn about their favorite foods, snacks, colors, music or anything that would help me, I make a note.  When I give them a gift or arrange time to hang out I reference back to some of these things so I can do something that is meaningful to them. It makes them feel seen and loved with just a simple step. It’s not always the size of the gift or the gesture that matters in my book but the intentionality behind it is everything!

Be authentic. There is only 1 version of you and your friends need it.

The reason why we struggle with friendship is because friendship isn’t just about liking each other’s company, it’s about caring for the well being of the friendship. We need friends that will build us up to become better people and form friendships based on authenticity that friendship demands. Friendship also allows you to be vulnerable knowing your friendship won’t change if they know real you; not the cover up! This brings trust in friendship where both parties respect one another (Galatians 5:13-14).

Refrain from gossip and unwholesome conversations that don’t build up each other.  Make it your mission to be the greatest source of encouragement.  Be the champion of their aspirations and dreams.  They don’t need you to tell them what they aren’t doing well or how they can be better.   If they want your feedback, they will ask for it.

Be fun. Everyone needs someone they can laugh and merry medicine does that heart good!

The first step should always be a friendship based on respect first but friendship extends beyond this given friendship doesn’t need reciprocity to exist. Friendship is a place where people can relax and feel at ease knowing they can let go, forget about their problems and just enjoy each other’s company without the pressure of anything else going on in life. If you’re always serious then it’s hard to be friends because friendship isn’t built on seriousness but friendship takes work as well as play. The bible says, “A happy heart is good medicine and a joyful mind causes healing, But a broken spirit dries up the bones.(Proverbs 17:22).  Laughter is a great medicine for the soul.  It is good for you and even impacts your physical body. ***

It’s important to note friendship isn’t a duty because friendship is often misunderstood as being forced to be friends with someone just because they’re your friend, friendship should always be based on mutual respect first. Friendship isn’t about forcing togetherness but friendship is also not one sided where one person doesn’t have a say in how it goes.

Friends don’t have to play the same role all the time either so friendship has to be flexible and open for change even if you have set boundaries. The reason why friendship isn’t always easy or smooth sailing is because friendships require work from both parties involved as well as friendship requires boundaries that allows it to grow. The friendship depends on how much work each party is willing to make (Philippians 2:3-4) so friendship isn’t always easy but friendship is worth it when it’s 100% genuine with friendship being built on respect.

Don’t let friendship be hard work either because friendship shouldn’t take more energy than what you have to give! Friendship has boundaries in terms of time together and what you expect from each other, friendship requires commitment that includes friendship-time where both parties are comfortable doing things together without pressure or expectations. Friendship isn’t about making the friendship only about one person because friendship demands you’re mutual friends who need each other equally to make it work.